Results

I had my HSG and ultrasound. The results came in showing that my uterus tilts forward slightly more than normal- but still technically just a variation of normal. The cyst on my left ovary is still there but its only 2 cm and the Dr. is not concerned by it. And the HSG showed that I have an arcuate uterus meaning the top of it arcs down a little bit. It isn't something that requires surgery to fix, thank goodness, but it is something that the dr. thinks will make it more difficult to get pregnant. I also still have the risk of preterm labor and miscarriage when I do eventually become pregnant, but they are less likely than originally thought. So I'm supposed to finish this pack of birth control and then try again for 3 more months before going back to the Dr. and discussing our next steps. I was so nervous for the HSG because I've heard how painful it is and how people have cried, screamed and had to be held down. My legs were literally shaking while I waited to get all set up. Once the catheter was inserted the radiologist had me rolling into different positions and while doing that my fingertip got pinched in the side of the bed. Lucky for me that was the most painful part of the whole process. Every time he reached to inject more dye I tensed up and he finally said "ok, now I'm going to..." and I was like Oh no, here it comes he's gonna tell me its gonna hurt but he finished with "take out the catheter and we'll be all done." Apparently since my tubes were clear it cause no pain for me. I felt extremely bloated later that night but that was the extent of it.

Frustration

I recently decided that I didn't want to stay with my current gyn. The office staff sucks and I have been hearing about how he likes to induce women BEFORE they even reach their due date, leading many of them to not progress and resulting in a high rate of C-sections. So since I still hadn't chosen a new doc, I went into to see my general practitioner who told me that she would be able to order fertility tests and based on the results she could either treat me, or refer me to an RE. DH went and had his sperm analysis, I went and had my ultrasounds and bloodwork done. Results came back and a nurse from my GP's office called and told me I had a complex ovarian cyst on my left ovary and I needed to go back on birth control for 2 months. This pissed me off and left me frustrated because when you're trying to have a baby the last thing you wanna do is be told you need to go back on the pill. Counter-productive much? I just felt like something was off and that there was more to it so I called a new ob/gyn and got an appt with her. I went and saw her and she told me that the cyst on my ovary is so small that she would have never even put me on the pill because she's sure it will go away on its own. Then she dropped a bomb on me by saying "did they tell you about your uterus?" What? My uterus? No! The new doc showed me the paperwork from my ultrasound and plain as day right on there it states that my ultrasound showed evidence of me having a biocornuate uterus. This means my uterus is most likely heart shaped making it more like 2 cavities instead of one. This is problematic because there isn't enough room for a baby to grow and develop. This issue usually leads to miscarriage (late into the pregnancy), pre-term labor, and usually result ins c-sections due to breech babies that don't have room to turn, assuming the pregnancy even makes it to term. I was kinda blown away. How did my GP's office just decide they weren't going to mention this to me? Had I not had the gut feeling about this I would have never known. So now the plan of attack is for me to go have an HSG to get an exact idea of what shape my uterus is in. It will tell me if there is a septum, that can be surgically removed or if I'm basically shit out of luck. I will also be having another pelvic ultrasound. These tests are on Friday. I've been a mess. I'm so terrified to find out the outcome. I'm scared that I won't be able to experience pregnancy or there will be high risk issues with any pregnancy I have. I've become bitter about it and I cry constantly. I feel like I've been so amazingly blessed in every aspect of my life that this is where I've been left to struggle and it's killing me. I feel guilty that my husband is fine and I may not be able to carry children. I feel broken. I'm nervous because it may result in surgery and I'm the girl who nearly passes out after a TB test, is scared of needles and the worst injuries I've had are minor cuts and bruises. I've never been to a hospital or the ER for anything thats happened to me. It all freaks me the fuck out. My heart literally aches at the thought of how badly I want a baby. I didn't think I would necessarily get pregnant right away but I sure as shit never saw myself in this position. Infertile. It makes me sick to my stomach. I'm supposed to be a mom. We're supposed to have a family and I can't wrap my head around why this has to happen to people. Its a painful and emotional thing to deal with and I find it so very unfair.

CD 1

Grrr. Today starts cycle 10. It's killing me having all these feelings bottled inside. BFF knows somethings wrong with me and has been letting me know that she's here for me if and when I'm ready to talk. She's sent my flowers and cards to cheer me up all without knowing whats wrong with me. She just knows I haven't been "me" lately. Hubs told me yesterday that he trusts her to keep our secret so I should just tell her what's up so that it will help get things off my chest and have someone I know in real life to talk to. So Friday night she will become the first and only person to know that we have been TTC, without any luck.

Our Story

DH and I were married during the summer of 2007, after 7 years of dating. In July of 2008 we decided we were ready to start TTC soon. We were going away for our first anniversary and decided I would go off BC once we were back home. The reasoning for this was that DH didn't want to risk that we would get KU right away and I wouldn't be feeling well on our vacation. Little did we know that thought was a joke. My first cycle off BC was a typical 28 days, just as it was when I was on the pill. I am not sure if I O'd that cycle because I only charted CM. The next cycle I bought TCOYF and a BBT and began charting. According to CM and temps I have been O'ing regularly since that 2nd cycle. We are currently on cycle 9.

I have little hope for this cycle. I am not charting or temping this cycle because I will be going OOT (right about the "average O time" for me and sharing a hotel room with friends. No one IRL knows we are TTC and I would like to keep it that way. We plan on still having sex every other day until I leave and when I return but I will have no clue if, or when, I actually O. I also hoped the break from temping would help ease some of the stress and worry that I've been feeling the past 2 months. Unfortunately that has not been the case so far. The thought of TTC is constantly in my head and therefore the stress is right there with it. I have started to freak out that it has been 8 full cycles and into the 9th and nothing has happened for us. I have a constant tightness in my chest and shoulder from the worry of it. Hopefully this weekend away with friends is just the stress reliever I need to help me think of things non-baby related, because of course we all know that I need to "just relax" and it will happen. ::eye roll::